Against Utility
by alien09
Summary: Brennan visits Zach in the hospital and tells him how she feels. Post 'Pain in The Heart'. One-shot.


Brennan stood outside the glass doors, staring impassively at the slumbering figure lying prone on the hospital bed

Brennan stood outside the glass doors, staring impassively at the slumbering figure lying prone on the hospital bed.

_Mentally incapacitated_.

He had _killed _someone. He had cognitively and rationally ended someone's life for the sake of a philosophy based on a groundless first principle. Letting out a deep sigh, Brennan felt something squeeze her chest like a vice.

'You're only allowed fifteen minutes Dr Brennan,' the nurse told her kindly. Brennan nodded her head and the elderly woman pressed the button to release the lock mechanism. Squaring her shoulders, she made her way to his side.

There had been no indication that anything was out of the ordinary. He had bickered with Hodgins over the most inane things. He had questioned Angela on how to best approach Naomi from Paleontology without appearing too overeager. He had discussed the various markings he had found on a five hundred year old Bronze Age warrior with her. He had accepted that trophy from Cam that had declared him the official 'King of the Lab' for time immemorial. There had been _nothing _in his speech or behavioural patterns that had struck her as uncharacteristic or abnormal.

He was asleep now. Brennan found herself smoothing the fine hairs on his forehead, pushing them to the side in an almost affectionate caress. Her eyes blurred as she took in his bandaged hands, seeing spots of red dot the white material. She would have to get someone to change them.

'Hi Zach.' Her voice was hushed, barely reaching her ears. 'Caroline managed to make a deal with the District Attorney.'

Life in a mental institution, as if he were a plague victim that needed to be separated from everyone else.

'Why did you do it Zach?' Brennan asked, tone demanding. 'How could you find the logic in taking a life? You can't apply Bentham's utility theory and play God. That man had a family. He had people who loved him, who are going to mourn his death.'

A part of me feels like I barely know you. The Zach I know cringed at the sight of death, couldn't fathom the depths of depravity that we sometimes encounter. Did you become immune to what we saw? Did you become numb from knowing that a man could bury the body of a child without remorse?'

The tears were falling now, tracking messily down her face. She made no move to wipe them away. It felt cathartic in a way, as if they were helping her wash away the pain in her heart.

'I was already proud of you Zach. _So very proud_.' Hands balled into fists. 'You were an excellent scientist. You were able to push aside your emotions and yet remember that even though objectivity and sanity called for coldness, that _feeling _something was allowed after. Booth will never understand that. When there's a skeleton in front of you that barely covers half the table, you have to be able to look at it and see nothing but a pile of bones, not a little boy who loved to climb trees and wanted to be a pirate.'

Her voice was cracking now, rubbed raw with grief and loss.

'I feel like I've failed you. What made you listen to him? What made you believe him? Caroline said it was a strong personality taking over someone weak. _You were never weak_. You don't possess the same musculature and physical prowess that Booth does, but the warmth of your heart and your incredible thirst for things that you had yet to know was astounding. Your mental intellect could lay waste to your Master's.'

The last word was spat out with bitterness, laced with failure and disappointment.

'You a part of a family. You were a part of _my _family. Why didn't you come to me? Was I so…cold?' Despair. 'Angela, Hodgines, Cam…even Booth would have gladly helped you? Or was this something you felt you needed to find on your own?'

Brennan unclenched her fists, her hands shaking as they came to rest on his cheek.

'I'll _always _love you Zach. _Always_. People have left me behind for years. I won't walk away from you. Not ever. I'll be at that place every visitation day. I'll bring you the latest anthropological journals and those chocolate chip peanut butter cookies I made you for your birthday that you enjoyed so much.'

Leaning down, Brennan placed a linger kiss onto his forehead.

'Gormagon is dead Zach. There will be others like him out there. I hope that I'll be able to stop them, and I hope that you'll continue to help me stop them in your own way.'

Zach slumbered on, the sedatives they had administered earlier anchoring him into a deep state of unconsciousness.

'It's specious, but I forgive you.'

Brennan walked out of the room, ignoring the pitying look the nurse was giving her.

'I thought I would find you here.' Brennan didn't bother to hide her face from Booth. She was sure the waterproof mascara that she had been wearing was smeared and that her eyes were red and bloodshot, but she couldn't work up the feeling to _care_.

'C'mere.'

Booth's arms wrapped around her securely and Brennan felt the slight stubble on his jaw scratch against her cheek as she pressed her face into that piece of skin behind his ear. He whispered something as she let herself sob, her body heaving and her mouth gasping for breath.

She felt the press of his lips into her hair and knew that everything was going to be alright.


End file.
